Embracing the Power of Connection
Since recovering from burnout, I’ve been actively working on ways to pursue high achievement without costing myself my well-being.
Being a recovering over-achiever means that I have spent too much time proving my worth through how much I get done. To grow to a more balanced and sustainable place, I’ve had to sit with some uncomfortable truths about my behaviors including the fact that I shouldn’t go after everything on my own.
I’ve seen the science behind the power of social support. I know it’s powerful. Evolutionarily, humans are hardwired for connection and belonging. And yet, allowing myself to rely on others is not exactly my strong suit. Why?
I think that deep down, all of us want to be seen as competent and capable. Some of us (**cough cough, overachievers, cough cough**) think this means that competency must be proven on an individual scale. Our societal systems certainly support this. Individual grading in schools, performance reviews at work, social media profiles and their likes, etc. all send the message that we are expected to be individually successful to be worthy of appreciation. That somehow, we need to achieve impressive things to prove that we are contributing members of society. But is this true?
To some degree, yes. We expect people to be functional and yet “no man is an island.” True success depends on our ability to see that humans are interdependent. This means that to find balance between achieving and well-being, we need to embrace the ability to connect with, trust, and rely on others.
This is easy enough for me to talk about, but recently, I chose to challenge myself by putting these words into action.
Final exams for my negotiation and conflict class were coming up and the midterm showed me that this was going to be an intense test. I’ve been a student long enough that I have my own systems and routines for how I like to study. Usually, I work on my own. I get a sense of satisfaction and pride in owning that the fact that the outcome of a test or an assignment is all mine. I also tend to justify not meeting with others because of the logistics it will take to make it all happen. And yet, if we objectively look at ways to actually achieve high outcomes, this is an inefficient and quite frankly, selfish way of pursuing success.
So, this semester I let the questions that stumped me on the midterm fuel a little humility on my part. I reached out to our whats app group to see if anyone would be interested in a study group. Plenty of folks replied and I was gifted a lesson in more than just the content from class.
An overarching theme from my Harvard Extension school learnings has been that in any relational activity, there is the content of what you are doing and there is the process in how you are going about doing it. Too often, I’ve tried to silo and prioritize the content over everything else. The content is easier to measure, and the content is the kind of stuff you get graded on. However, the experience of the process is what impacts your overall wellbeing.
With this study group, I was surprised by how much the laughter, energy, and comradery lifted my spirits and energized my mind. When I was taking the actual test, I found myself smiling while answering questions that related to fun moments from our session the day before. How often do you find yourself smiling at a test? Not only did we have an enjoyable time, but we also found that working together gave each of us a much more expansive number of resources to prepare us for success. Additionally, we were more efficient as a group (compared to if I had worked alone). I took my test days earlier than I expected and I aced it.
What a perfect experience to help me summarize one of my biggest learnings at Harvard. When we connect with others during our pursuit of accomplishing great things, our success is magnified not only by the content of what we get done, but also by how it nourishes our souls.
I want to express thanks not only to this study group, but also to a friend who met with me and texted me through the assignments of another class. She kept me sane. Each semester I can pinpoint the faces of people who made this learning journey a truly incredible one. I’d also be remiss to not acknowledge the study group that started it all-- my Stats 100 class in 2023. They were instrumental in helping me survive that class. I knew Harvard was going to be an incredible intellectual experience. What I didn’t know was how much I would connect with and learn to love the people who were learning alongside of me. I don’t know that I would have met them in any other way. What I do know is that they have changed me for the better.
Thanks for reading with me today. I hope you see the potential of letting others join you in your successes this week. It just might be the pick me up you need right now.