Racing the Bus
“Hurry! Hustle your bustle!” I shout to my son as the school bus passes us on the way to the stop. It’s been another morning of pushing and prodding to get him out of the door on time for school. Even with the bus passing us, his scowl and shuffle are not moving any faster and this means the driver (and the subsequent load of children) will wait for him to make his way to those open doors. I’ve tried so many different things to motivate him to move a little quicker in the morning, but each day is a battle. That is until one day his little sister said she was going to race the bus…
I watched the idea click in my son’s brain and I could see the moment he embraced the choice to race it as well. That morning, he got himself ready faster than I knew he was capable of. Not only was he more productive, but he had a glint in his eye and a smirk on his face. As we got to the sidewalk, he and his sister posed in a runner’s lung waiting for the bus to approach.
Our bus driver saw their poses, pulled alongside them, paused for a moment, and then the race was off! My kids sprinted and giggled down the block while the driver kept the race close enough for their victory to feel even more sweet. Laughing and panting, they stepped onto the bus ready to start the day.
What was the difference? The task, on a behavioral level, was the same. The time of day was the same. The distance to the bus stop was the same. The things they needed to do to get ready for the day were the same. What had changed? They did. They tapped into their own autonomy and made the choice for themselves. This was more powerful than anything I could do.
This scenario represents one of my biggest takeaways from my Harvard experience. I have always loved learning about systems of behavior change. However, in the past, I focused on external systems more than internal ones. Like with my kids in the morning. We’ve tried changing the order in which tasks they did. We’ve changed the time they get up in the morning to give them more time. I’ve bribed, I’ve threatened, I’ve cheered, and more all in an attempt to make mornings easier. Some of our tactics have helped and overall, it is important to note that they need the structure. However, it wasn’t until they found their own reasons to engage that we made any real progress. This is the power of autonomy and it has taken a Harvard degree for me to learn how to respect and honor it.
So, when we are looking to engage others or ourselves in behavior change, we cannot forget the power of someone making their own choice to engage. This means, even if we have the right answers on how to get something done, we can still be going about it the wrong way. When people feel pushed, they resist. Period. We will defend our autonomy more than anything else. This means giving as much opportunity for someone to make the choice their own can be one of the most powerful motivators you can lock into.
To engage the power of choice takes a different set of skills than when we’re simply problem solving. It takes deep listening skills. It takes feelings of compassion and positive regard. It also takes the belief that people can change while simultaneously honoring the timing of readiness to change--which can come slowly.
As I approach the summer with my kids, I’m focusing more on trying to harness their power of choice for the productive things we hope to get done in these months. It will be hard for me to let up some of the control, but the long-term benefit has so much more potential. As Coach John Marshall said, “We aren’t influencing people to change against their will. We are influencing their will to change.”
Thanks for reading with me today. I hope you practice engaging your own power of choice to spark a little more motivation in your tasks this week.