Remember to Celebrate
High achievers are sometimes the worst at celebrating.
I had a “bring your own reason to celebrate” party last week and you’d be surprised by how difficult it was for some people to write a genuine reason to celebrate on our board. I noticed, the younger the person, the easier it was to find things that they were excited to share with others. For instance, my almost 7-year-old wrote, “going into zekint grade” – translation: “going into second grade.” She was one of the first to write and it brought a smile to everyone who took the time to read the enthusiastic scrawl.
As the age of the guest increased, the hesitation to answer the question also increased. Eventually landing on things to celebrate such as “it’s almost time to eat” and “what a great day.”
Why is it hard for some people to genuinely celebrate their accomplishments?
There are a few theories that may relate to this. First, in an article a few weeks ago, I talked about different reasons that someone may seek achievement. (You can check out that article here)
In this vein, we can reason that if your purpose for achieving is because you want to learn how to master a task, sometimes the last thing you want to appear to be is someone who achieves things to be better than others. Those who have a performance approach (achieve to be the best amongst others) tend to boast about their achievements, and we can guess that those from a mastery approach (they way we described first) are more likely to think that accomplishing the task well should be celebration enough.
Additionally, we can look at how comparison to others impacts performance.
If you’ve ever heard the famous quote, “comparison is the thief of joy” you’ve only heard part of the science. Sometimes it is the thief of joy. Other times, it provides fuel for healthy social facilitation and increased performance. It depends on how the person doing the comparing is feeling.
Competition Psychology suggests that how we compare ourselves to others will determine if it helps us grow or if it snuffs out our motivation to try. Which way we go depends on how we contrast or assimilate ourselves to others.
On one side, we may watch someone achieve something great and then feel proud that we know that person or even be inspired to try to be like them. This is known as an upward assimilation, and it inspires people to reach higher and for more. However, on the flip side, sometimes we see how high someone else performs and it seems so out of reach for us that we don’t even try. This view enhances the contrast between where we are and where they are.
The tricky thing about this information is that if you are the one achieving, you don’t get to choose if others will decide to either assimilate or contrast with you. I think the risk of increasing a contrast (i.e. the distance between you and me) motivates many high achievers to hide their accomplishments. After all, as human beings, we are wired for connection and psychological distance can pose a danger to that.
However, if we hide our achievements because we’re afraid of pushing others away, we’re also robbing ourselves of the other side of that argument—the opportunity to inspire others and bring them closer to you in pursuit of a worthy cause. I think of how much joy reading my daughter’s contributions brought to us and I wish those who were more experienced had chosen to let us also learn and lean into their contributions. I know they have so much to teach us and I want the opportunity to connect with them over the things they have accomplished—especially because I know they’ve accomplished those things with a humble heart.
So, here’s my challenge to you. Don’t dim your celebrations. It’s ok for others to be in a different place than you are. Don’t dim your light to make others more comfortable. On the flip side, I’d also suggest not making your celebrations so bright that others cannot see anyone else in the room. Like most things with wellbeing, it is important to find a balance between both sides. Trust that what you’ve done is good and that there are those who want to see that good. Not everyone will be ready for it, but to those quiet ones who need the pick me up, your celebration could be just the thing they need to keep going.
Thanks for reading with me today. I hope you find a genuine way to celebrate something you’ve accomplished this week.